It’s been two months and instead of getting better, I’m feeling worse mentally and physically.
All I want is to rewind a couple of months and not have worked myself over little things as much as I did, to relive my whole life but change the times where I’ve over-analysed everything. To be honest, I know exactly why I became ‘ill’ (I hate saying ill, because I don’t even know if it’s an illness, I, and every doctor don’t know what it is).
I let my mind wander and it came to a point where the wandering became too much for my body. I wish I could change this part of my being, I wish I could change myself, tell myself that I should be confident with who I am and not worry about every insignificant thing but I cannot. Changing after 18 years is a terribly hard thing to do. I am trying, really hard but I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about everything, about how I’m perceived by others, about what my boyfriend’s thinking, about if he’ll still love me as much as he did yesterday and it’s ridiculous and only taking me closer and closer to the edge of my body giving up.
I know I have so much in my future to look forward to, from my career to my home but I can’t even think about that without putting an ounce of worry on top. It’s horrible.
No one really completely understands what I’m going through, this is so painful, and sorry if that sounded 100% emo, but it’s kind of true. Spasming everyday is far from fun.
